Patient Euphemisms Part 1: Doctors have heard it all!

You know how there are times when you contract something really icky and you realize that you’ll have to see a doctor but you are so embarrassed about your weird “issue” that you’d rather swallow your own tongue than talk to mister doctor? These are the times when you get super creative with words and churn out some pretty lame euphemisms for your ailments. Cute names don’t make slimy diseases any cuter, yo! So, here’s my list of lame-ass euphemisms a lot of mortified patients use to describe their dysfunctional bodies! Been there. Done that.

Number One: The curse of HLEEAARGHKURBLEAARGHH

You wake up one fine morning, with a stream of butterflies fluttering in your stomach, steadily marching in a lump towards your throat and you realize that it’s not love that’s simmering in your gut but the last night’s Chinese laced with enterotoxins. You scoot down to the nearest washbasin, in a race with your bawling bowels, spilling some of the barf on your mother’s expensive rug while you are at it because hey, what mother does not require permanent evidence to bring up in an argument the next time you screw something up? You spend your day recycling every last meal of your life in your mouth, your only salvation being the exercise your retching caused your floppy abdominal muscles. Finally, at some point, when your fatigued throat threatens to choke the fuck up and pass out, you decide it’s time to see a doctor.

You reach the clinic clutching a bunch of polythene bags, looking like a homeless rag-picker only to find a handsome resident filling in for your pot-bellied family doctor. You cannot possibly admit that you have been making vulgar dinosaur noises all day, to someone like him.  A certain Lily Aldrin once wisely said that telling people your exact ailment makes them imagine you suffering from it. You cannot possibly afford to look so bad in that handsome creature’s imagination! You stuff the polythene into your cargo pockets, quickly finger-comb your hair and smile in an attempt to seem gracefully ill.

“Doctor, I have just been a bit under the weath-erhlleleeeaaarghhhhhbleeaaaarghhhh…”

How you think you appear:

How you really appear:

Bye-bye, you rare, handsome, son of a bitch!

Number Two: The GAS(tric) Chamber Tragedy

All was well until the day your little belly decided that it was tired of being a belly and wanted to be a balloon instead. It ambitiously bloated up to twice its normal dimensions and when it could no longer contain its awesomeness, it farted! It was okay at first, pretty cool even! You enjoyed parading around the house in your boxers, marking your territory with crispy, garlic farts every two seconds. You even tried beatboxing with your farts: whoopie whoop whoopie whoopie whoop whoooooosh! But hours passed, and your ass was still having way too much fun blowing its own trumpet. The house had started to reek of rotten cockroach eggs when you decided that you did not want to die in a holocaust of your own making. Soon after, you set afoot to see your doctor, hoping to exhaust your wind by the time you reached there.

But did it go the way you planned it to?

Doctor: Hello dear. What brings you here today?

You: Inflation. I mean flatulence. Trouser cough. (Damn! I should have memorized the Huffington list of synonyms for farts.) I just feel a little bloated, that is all.

Doctor: How long have you been feeling bloated? Are you passing stools properly?

You: (Should I describe the shape, size, color? No, that would be gross.) Um..

Doctor: Are you constipated?

You: (OMG, stop the poop talk already! You are waking the dragon) Ummmm…

Doctor: What is the frequency of your stools?

You: (Oh no. Fart downloading…No. NO. Mission Abort. Mission Abort)

Doctor: Are you Okay?

You: (I think I am going to pop a vein in my temple) Umm *Tries to mumble something and fails* *Lets ass do the talking*

Doctor: Umm…

 

Number Three: The Snorosaurus

You happened to travel overnight with your best buds and tired from the journey, you relaxed into your seat trying to get some shut-eye. However, you woke up in the middle of the night to a screaming match and eggs aimed at your head. At first, nothing made sense until a friend made a grave accusation: YOU SNORING BASTARD. You got defensive like:

Days passed second-guessing yourself and when you asked your mother if you snore, she said: “No you don’t. You just pretend you are a tiger when you sleep. A tiger with a sour throat?” When your mom attempts at making snoring jokes, its time for you to see a doctor. But you are hardly in your mid-twenties. Snoring is for oldies! How are you possibly going to admit to being a Snorosaurus? You’ll make a snoring joke and play it cool because YOLO!

So you go to see your doctor and be like:

Doctor looks at you like: 99 people have got 99 problems and you are one for each of them!

To be continued…

Patient Euphemisms Part 2: Doctors thought they had heard it all!

But had they?!

Number Four: The lice lies

*Itching* *Scratches head* *Really scratches head* *Rolls on the bed trying to find a comfy position* *Falls off the bed* *Scratches head against the bedstead* *Stares into distance* Finally the perpetual question arises: Dry scalp or head lice? Damn it! I knew that putting on the sorting hat at the sorting ceremony of Hogwarts was a bad idea! Them lice just looveee Gryffindor blood!

What should I do? How do I tell my doctor that I have lice? I ain’t no slumdog, bitch! But I need my hands. For more than scratching. I need them for FOOOOD!!! *Hyperventilates* *Creates nail art with teeth* Anxiety level is 100x.

*Decides to be brave* *Walks in through the door of doctor’s clinic confidently*

“Doctor, I think I have living, breathing, crawling dandruff. Is that normal?”

*Facepalm*

Number Five: The prickly tax of earwax 

So, you missed your alarm in the morning, three days in a row and ended up being roasted by your repelling boss. Your busty tinder babe left in the middle of your date just when you thought she was leaning towards you to give you a quick peck on the cheek after you said something hilarious af. Your right ear feels heavier than your left ear. There is only one possible conclusion to be derived from this: Earwax Emergency!!

Q-tips are useless now. You’re gonna have to face your ENT and feel like a dumb asshole. Heck, he’s already smug in your thought bubble…

Just then you get a brilliant idea. *Googles Earwax* *Rubs palms together in an evil manner* *Walks in through the door of doctor’s clinic confidently*

“Doctor, I may have a Cerumen Impaction.”

Doctor looks at you like “Don’t make your earwax sound fancy, bitch!”

AND…CHECKMATE.

Number Six: The MUMmy

You have spent three-fourth of your life dodging conversations with polite smiles. There are wide-spread rumors that you are part-mute. But you are not. You have a terrible secret which you intend to carry to your grave: You stink when you talk! You are the literal personification of “Foot in mouth”. In fact, your foot in mouth is marinated in smelly socks. You brush your teeth a zillion times, but no matter what you do, when you open your mouth, people be like:

But you’ve had enough now. You must see a doctor. You have a job interview coming up and you CANNOT screw up! But how do you tell the doctor that you have a bad breath? How do you survive that pair of judgmental eyes accusing you of poor oral hygiene and not believing you when you say that you brush and floss ten times a day? Yes. You’ll say that you’ve been suffering from chronic halitosis. Yes, that’s exactly what you’ll do.

So you enter the clinic in a quest to finally end your life-long affliction. The dentist smiles at you and just as you open your mouth to explain the reason for visiting, dentist looks at you like:

*Nightmares do come true*

Number Seven: The Scarlet Pooper

It feels like 4th of July inside your poop-hole when you squat to take a shit. You tend to use one of your butt-cheeks more often than the other when you sit, causing it to dimple weirdly. Your rocky poo is often served with an extra-topping of vivid-red hot sauce. Your body’s screaming murder inside your pants!

How in the world does one walk into a clinic and announce that he is butthurt? One does not; one is brave. One hopes to sustain all the pain and die silently like the brave heart one is. That is until one accidentally consumes a spicy curry one’s mom made on Sunday. The curry catches one’s bottom on fire and sends him shooting straight to the hospital.

One announces “There’s a vampire in my tush.”

The smart doctor, nearly in tears, retorts:

True story, bro!

I hope you enjoyed my two-part series about the medical conditions which usually embarrass the patients, leading them to either avoid a medical opinion/to use weird euphemisms. I am sure that there are other few medical conditions as well which do cause immense embarrassment, but I have tried to cover the most common ones in my opinion. Guys, doctors have to go through rigorous medical training before they can treat you. They have seen a myriad of peculiar/humiliating disorders and they have learnt to be empathetic. No doctor is going to make fun of you because say you are suffering from flatulence or erectile dysfunction(Difficulty to get your P up and about.) That’s the difference between high school and a clinical setting basically. So cut through the bs and go talk to your doctor sans euphemisms because trust me, the doctors like those in this post only exist in your hyper-imaginative mind!

-Aishwarya Ghonge, Content Writer at Mera Medicare.

P.S. These memes have been sourced from imgflip, memecenter etc. We are grateful to these websites for their awesome memes!

 

Melt all that fat with Laevus morologus

2016 has begun on a great note with big news for all the flabulous people out there! Kuruppa Kiripalli, a 38 year old herbologist from the Kauveyi village of Karnataka made a groundbreaking discovery. He discovered Laevus morologus, a herbaceous plant of genus Stultus which has shown miraculous results in weight loss. While, the exact mechanism of its role in weight loss has not been determined yet, it is taking the scientific world by storm. Dr.Stein, a well known diabetologist was quoted saying that “India might just have scored a Nobel in medicine. This is massive. Now particularly is an exciting time for everyone who was wishing for a magic pill to melt all that excess fat in body! We might just be looking at THE solution for all the cholesterol related disorders. I cannot stress enough the importance of this marvelous discovery!” Point noted. So let us hear more about this little herb that everyone is so ecstatic about!

Laevus morologus is a nocturnal plant that produces tiny blue flowers every night, which remain viable for a period of about 12 hours. This plant can be found only at high altitudes. The fat-melting component of this plant is found in its flower petals which have to be crushed and consumed with warm water. However, this component is passive and appears to affect the body metabolism only in the presence of active movement of the limbs. Leading physician-scientists vouch that its immobility-labile character should not be a hindrance. People wishing to lose their flab should take up the long climb everyday, hunt for Laevus’ blue flowers and have them fresh with warm water. Significant loss of excess body fat is guaranteed within a month of the (grueling) regime.

It so happens that Laevus, Morologus and Stultus are actually Latin counterparts for the English word “Stupid”.

Coincidence or not?

‪#‎DoctorKnowsBetter‬

 

-Aishwarya Ghonge, Content Writer at Mera Medicare

 

P.S. This awesome meme has been sourced from imgflip!

Take all your pills, the doctor said!

So, you had these divine golgappas at a hip roadside stall and soon after you started squirting poop smoothies from your lesser orifice until that’s all you did for every meal you had. You felt so sore and weak from the smelly exercise that it felt as if you had a conceived a thousand poop children from your boohoo.

 

Finally, you had a better notion to see a doctor instead of living out the rest of your days in a poo ridden world.
Your doctor, being the good guy he was, pretended that you smelled like roses , restrained himself from making you the butt of diarrhea jokes (See what I did there?) and prescribed you a bunch of pills for a couple of days.
On Day 1, you returned him the favor by being an obedient patient. Your sense of smell, almost dead now, welcomed the pills that promised to put an end to your perfumery experiments. Your tongue, which had not touched anything solid for days, did not protest either.
On Day 2, your smoothies weren’t so smooth any more. Your body started feeling like it was 60% water again. You got that bounce back to your step. Feeling encouraged, you gulped down the pills without complaint.
By Day 4, your poop was back in shape with swag.

You started feeling as if you were the king of the world and that you could do absolutely anything; even be your own doctor. You stared at your pills for hours until they started pleading to you in their tiny chipmunk voices to spare them the mercy of your stomach acid. Feeling generous, you granted them their little wish. Oh! And how it cost you!!

On Day 7, they rolled you into hospital on a wheelchair, because you had started taking a piss from your butt-hole instead of your pee-hole and even the nurse couldn’t make out which was which. You were praying to all the fractured stars in the universe to bless you with a different doctor, but bless they did not. Guiltily, you managed a smile but your doctor, being a real doctor, saw through your poor pretenses and asked you your most dreaded question: DID YOU SKIP YOUR PILLS?? (With all the double spaces and the emphasizing punctuation, mind you!) Hell hath no fury like a doctor scorned!! Scared out of your pants, you passed out. (Or pretended to at least)

So, why did your poo betray you after showing much promise?

Uhm, well. You probably know that little buggers called bacteria are responsible for most of your life issues? Okay, not really. But these little buggers can really, really upset your sweet body. So, how does your body respond to the enemy? It manufactures antibodies(which are anti-bugger and not anti-body per se. English is weird, huh?) to kill the buggers. I never said that your sweet body preferred the Gandhian philosophy over violence. But sometimes, these buggers who have a way better sex life than most of us can boast of, multiply thousand-folds in short spans of time and dodge the antibody bullets. The surviving generations celebrate by having more sex and feeding on the seven-course meal buffet that is your body. This is when your doctor comes in and hands you the nuclear bombs that are pills(antibacterials/antibiotics) to destroy the nasty buggers once and for all. But when you don’t finish your course of pills, you allow a few buggers to escape. These surviving buggers are the most lethal, by now they have seen everything there is to see and are immune to your nuclear attacks. They reproduce in vengeance, bringing up a million generations of super-buggers that wont be bothered by your flimsy counter-attacks. They have only one mission: To destroy you. They stir up a bugger-apocalypse inside your body. Your doctor is going to find it difficult to clear THAT out!

Why, why do you hate yourself so much?

Take all your pills, the doctor said. Go on. Take them.

#DoctorKnowsBetter

-Aishwarya Ghonge, Content Writer at Mera Medicare

P.S. These memes have been sourced from memecrunch, memegenerator, imgflip and memecenter. We are grateful to these websites for their awesome memes!

Let’s Support Guts! Let’s Support Start-ups!

Mera Medicare

Looking for ideas to be a good entrepreneur; well you need to go elsewhere. Seeking inspiration; sorry, you won’t find it here. This article is neither a guide to ‘5 ways to establish a start-up‘ nor is it a motivation kit for the youth. I have no intention of addressing potential customers here. This article is for all those people who have no interest in the life and work of crazy entrepreneurs. This article is essentially for all those who have nothing to do with upcoming start-ups and those who do not give a damn to entrepreneurial passion for new ideas. Since you folks do not give a damn, here are a few reasons as to why you should.

  • For their guts will leave you amazed…

Entrepreneurs are gutsy people who believe in taking risks. They begin with nothing to build everything. They are not like famous brands that would bring only incremental changes to their products as their market rests on the existing ones. But they are firebrand zealots who innovate to create breakthrough products and services

  • Because Michael Dell asks you to…

It is entrepreneurs like Michael Dell, the founder of Dell who took a risk with his career when he was only 18 providing hard-drive upgrades to corporate customers in 1983 and the rest is history. From the meteoric rise of Dell Computers largely due to innovations in supply chain, manufacturing and the implementation of a novel distribution strategy to its current market value, it is a perfect example of ‘sky is the limit.’

  • For the umpteen innovations they bring into the corporate world…

Marriott or Hilton would have never created a business model where travelers can stay with the local families in a cost effective manner and get first-hand information about local surroundings but Airbnb surely did. AT&T or Verizon would have never created a free messaging app but WhatsApp did. Similarly Samsung or Apple would have never created a product that is flexible enough to be re-sized or used as both a smartphone and a tablet but Asus did. Start-ups are crazy ventures that bring with them a promise of adventure, fun and satisfaction for its employees. They give you not just a job to do but an opportunity to live your dreams. They give you a chance to innovate and to revel in the accomplishment of work that becomes the breath of your life. All those just out of college, looking for jobs, try working for a start-up to experience a whole new world where you learn more and grow as a professional. For all those who believe in a secure profession and don`t have time and energy to start something new or those who have a full time job that does not give them enough time to provide advice/consulting to a start-up or those who have a family to support and thus can’t fund a start-up; here are a few simple steps to support them:

  • Have you ever made a purchase through a startup and not a big brand even when there was greater value in going with that brand? If not, do it now.
  • Have you ever bought services/ products from a start up to experience difference of their services? If not, do it now.
  • Have you ever rated and reviewed a start up so you can see them grow? Well if not, do it now.

It’s time we innovate. It’s time we shed inhibitions. It’s time we support start-ups. It’s time we support guts !

Customer is the King

Online pharmacy

“In the world of Internet Customer Service, it’s important to remember your competitor is only one mouse click away.”- Doug Warner

I`ll start this article with a question, what`s the first word that comes in your mind when I say ‘Big Billion Day’? If you are going to answer this question with negative words such as fraud, cheating, fake discounts, e-commerce lies etc then probably you are a disgruntled customer who expected a lot from Flipkart`s ‘Big Billion Day‘.

Indian E-commerce giant, Flipkart decided to celebrate 6 October, 2014 as ‘Big Billion Day’ and promised the greatest sale with unbeatable offers, discount, deals and surprises. For many Indians, 6 October was claimed to be the Black Friday that they have been waiting for a long time. For small E-commerce entrepreneurs like me, 6 October was expected to be the start of a golden era and we believed that everything is going to change now, Indian consumers` mindset, perception towards online shopping, knowledge about E-commerce business etc. But we all were wrong!

Since its inception Flipkart has been growing steadily and recently raised $1B hoping to win the e-commerce battle in India against Snapdeal and Amazon. To get money from customers` pocket early before festive season starts, and to acquire more customers than competition during the festive season, Flipkart came up with the ‘Big Billion Day’ idea.

However, even before the sale began, controversy mounted as people realized that the prices of most of the products have been increased back to the MRP instead of the actual selling price – to compensate the huge discounts and products were costlier than the regular days.

Worse was that Flipkart was struggling to keep up with the high demands. Products were sold out in a matter of seconds, which shows just how limited the sales really were. Another big issue was the number of technical problems users were facing. People wanting to buy, and those having bought products on Flipkart during the Big Billion Day repeatedly had to deal with issues such as ‘Server Breakdown‘, in addition to the unrealistic discounts and auto-cancellation of orders.

Even though Flipkart announced revenue of $100 Million on the day of the sale but it left customers with disappointment, frustration, and distrust. There were many first-time online shoppers who had never trusted the online shopping before; there were many who had never heard about Flipkart before but now they knew about it and were amazed to see advertisements showing 90% discounts; there were many who had bad experiences with online shopping in the past and wanted to give it another try; and there were many who wanted to give a supporting hand to home-grown dreamers, Bansals.

And then there were small e-commerce entrepreneurs who believed that this day will break all the barriers and myths that people have in their minds regarding online shopping. We believed that Sachin Bansal and Binny Bansal will pave a way for budding Indian entrepreneurs like me.

Going forward, Indian consumer will have difficulty trusting another e-commerce company, another breakthrough promise and another genuine offer. You not only did hurt your credibility but also damaged trust that Indian consumers were gradually putting in the online shopping.

I appeal to E-commerce giants such as Snapdeal, Healthkart, Amazon, Myntra etc. to be honest and genuine to the customer. Now-a-days customers are very skeptical as well as intelligent. By maneuvering numbers and showing catchy advertisement, you can win them for a short period of time but will lose in longer run. Brand royalty is the thing of past; you can only win their hearts by providing the best services with honest efforts.

Well what`s done is done but now it`s time to fix it.

LET`S FIX IT and take a vow to put customers before stakeholders and financial charts!

LET`S FIX IT and take a vow to focus on building credibility and customer relationship than revenue!

LET`S FIX IT and take a vow that we`ll never doubt customers` intelligence and manipulate discounts!

References:

http://blogs.wsj.com/indiarealtime/2014/10/08/flipkarts-big-billion-day-sale-prompts-big-apology/

http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/analysing-deal-behind-flipkarts-big-billion-day-sale-1468884

http://gadgets.ndtv.com/internet/news/flipkart-big-billion-day-sale-riddled-with-problems-602498

Start Early, Fail Early !

Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it” – Oprah Winfrey

If you ask me what I regret the most, then my answer would be, “not starting early and not failing early”. I did my first internship when I was 20 years old, I started my first full-time job when I was 22, I created my first business-plan when I was 26 and I started my first venture when I was 27.

Now, when I look back I feel that not starting early and not failing early is one of the biggest mistakes one can make in his life. Probably I could have started my entrepreneurship journey when I was 20, failed and learned harsh realities by the time I was 22.

When I see young kids going for the secure, high-paying internships or jobs in big companies/ brand names, I ask myself what they will get out of this position. Brand name, respect among friends and family, big bucks and what else. They will probably enjoy free 5-course luncheons and dinners, pool tables, office-parties, gyms, and luxurious recreation centers but what else.

What will they learn about challenges of starting a business? What will they learn about innovating without enough budget and resources? What will they learn about experimentation? What will they learn about stress and sleepless nights? Probably nothing!

On the other hand, kids who begin their professional journey with start-ups get better opportunities to learn, fail and grow. In a start-up, you don`t limit yourself to one particular skill or job profile but you get opportunities to do more and contribute in many different areas. At such an early age you get an amazing opportunity to decide the overall business strategy for your start-up, you get an opportunity to work and have intelligent discussions with CEOs, CTOs and Board of Directors very frequently. And if you are a valuable contributor and your start-up grows due to your efforts then you have an opportunity to rise to executive level position.

Career path of Marissa Mayer, President and CEO of Yahoo is the perfect supporting example of my point. In 1999 when she completed her Masters in Computer Science from Stanford University, Marissa Mayer had 14 job offers including a teaching job at Carnegie Mellon University, a consulting job at McKinsey & Company and an engineering job at Google. However she took a major risk and joined Google, which was still a start-up and 19 employee company. She rose to become Vice President of Search Products and User Experience in 2005 and later became CEO and President of Yahoo in 2012 in the early age of 37. She summarizes her risk-taking attitude amazingly, “I always did something I was a little not ready to do. I think that’s how you grow. When there’s that moment of ‘Wow, I’m not really sure I can do this,’ and you push through those moments, that’s when you have a breakthrough.

Similarly, other idols such as Richard Branson, Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs took major risks in their early 20s or even before that and that risk-taking attitude at an early age made them what they are today.

We at Mera Medicare truly believe in associating with young kids of 18 to 24 years old and providing them immense opportunities to learn, grow and do something that they have never done in the past. We not only make them a part of important decision-making activities but also enable them to gain maximum out of their roles and responsibilities. Our honest efforts to nurture them and make next leaders are highlighted in previous article on Linkedin: The task of the leader is to get his people from where they are to where they have not been

There are thousands of great start-ups in India and other countries of the world that have potential to become next Facebook, Google or Apple. My appeal to college students is to get associated with start-ups in whatever capacity you can, join as Intern or Student Ambassador or College Ambassador. Or, if you have your own idea then work on it today, take risks today, learn as much as you can.

There is no shame in failing when you are young and there is no glory in failing when you are old.