Patient Euphemisms Part 2: Doctors thought they had heard it all!

But had they?!

Number Four: The lice lies

*Itching* *Scratches head* *Really scratches head* *Rolls on the bed trying to find a comfy position* *Falls off the bed* *Scratches head against the bedstead* *Stares into distance* Finally the perpetual question arises: Dry scalp or head lice? Damn it! I knew that putting on the sorting hat at the sorting ceremony of Hogwarts was a bad idea! Them lice just looveee Gryffindor blood!

What should I do? How do I tell my doctor that I have lice? I ain’t no slumdog, bitch! But I need my hands. For more than scratching. I need them for FOOOOD!!! *Hyperventilates* *Creates nail art with teeth* Anxiety level is 100x.

*Decides to be brave* *Walks in through the door of doctor’s clinic confidently*

“Doctor, I think I have living, breathing, crawling dandruff. Is that normal?”

*Facepalm*

Number Five: The prickly tax of earwax 

So, you missed your alarm in the morning, three days in a row and ended up being roasted by your repelling boss. Your busty tinder babe left in the middle of your date just when you thought she was leaning towards you to give you a quick peck on the cheek after you said something hilarious af. Your right ear feels heavier than your left ear. There is only one possible conclusion to be derived from this: Earwax Emergency!!

Q-tips are useless now. You’re gonna have to face your ENT and feel like a dumb asshole. Heck, he’s already smug in your thought bubble…

Just then you get a brilliant idea. *Googles Earwax* *Rubs palms together in an evil manner* *Walks in through the door of doctor’s clinic confidently*

“Doctor, I may have a Cerumen Impaction.”

Doctor looks at you like “Don’t make your earwax sound fancy, bitch!”

AND…CHECKMATE.

Number Six: The MUMmy

You have spent three-fourth of your life dodging conversations with polite smiles. There are wide-spread rumors that you are part-mute. But you are not. You have a terrible secret which you intend to carry to your grave: You stink when you talk! You are the literal personification of “Foot in mouth”. In fact, your foot in mouth is marinated in smelly socks. You brush your teeth a zillion times, but no matter what you do, when you open your mouth, people be like:

But you’ve had enough now. You must see a doctor. You have a job interview coming up and you CANNOT screw up! But how do you tell the doctor that you have a bad breath? How do you survive that pair of judgmental eyes accusing you of poor oral hygiene and not believing you when you say that you brush and floss ten times a day? Yes. You’ll say that you’ve been suffering from chronic halitosis. Yes, that’s exactly what you’ll do.

So you enter the clinic in a quest to finally end your life-long affliction. The dentist smiles at you and just as you open your mouth to explain the reason for visiting, dentist looks at you like:

*Nightmares do come true*

Number Seven: The Scarlet Pooper

It feels like 4th of July inside your poop-hole when you squat to take a shit. You tend to use one of your butt-cheeks more often than the other when you sit, causing it to dimple weirdly. Your rocky poo is often served with an extra-topping of vivid-red hot sauce. Your body’s screaming murder inside your pants!

How in the world does one walk into a clinic and announce that he is butthurt? One does not; one is brave. One hopes to sustain all the pain and die silently like the brave heart one is. That is until one accidentally consumes a spicy curry one’s mom made on Sunday. The curry catches one’s bottom on fire and sends him shooting straight to the hospital.

One announces “There’s a vampire in my tush.”

The smart doctor, nearly in tears, retorts:

True story, bro!

I hope you enjoyed my two-part series about the medical conditions which usually embarrass the patients, leading them to either avoid a medical opinion/to use weird euphemisms. I am sure that there are other few medical conditions as well which do cause immense embarrassment, but I have tried to cover the most common ones in my opinion. Guys, doctors have to go through rigorous medical training before they can treat you. They have seen a myriad of peculiar/humiliating disorders and they have learnt to be empathetic. No doctor is going to make fun of you because say you are suffering from flatulence or erectile dysfunction(Difficulty to get your P up and about.) That’s the difference between high school and a clinical setting basically. So cut through the bs and go talk to your doctor sans euphemisms because trust me, the doctors like those in this post only exist in your hyper-imaginative mind!

-Aishwarya Ghonge, Content Writer at Mera Medicare.

P.S. These memes have been sourced from imgflip, memecenter etc. We are grateful to these websites for their awesome memes!

 

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